Be Careful of How You "Feel"

My son is nine now so we are going through that whole self-awareness, still immature phase. One thing I've noticed I keep telling him is that as an adult no one will care how he feels. And I realized yesterday that it's true, and for the first time ever, a major problem in our world today.

Let me clarify. When I say "no one will care about your feelings", I'm not being ugly. But think about it. Does your boss care why you didn't get the report done on time? No, he only cares if it gets done on time. Your kids don't care how you feel if dinner isn't on the table. They only know they are hungry, and you didn't cook. The electric company isn't going to sit on the phone and listen to every sob story that comes with an unpaid bill. They want your money, and could care less how you get it to them. This is what I'm trying to teach my son. But I look around at people I know that are younger than me, and I realize they are all the same way.

In trying to make our children feel they are loved, we've encouraged them to be emotional beings. We've taught them that anger, sadness, etc. are okay to feel to their fullest. We've tried to keep them from being ridiculed for not being excited about sports or frustrated for their inabilities. And worst of all, we've given in to their every tantrum because we just don't have time to deal with it. And now we are reaping the consequences of our actions.

Our world is full of people who walk around every day saying, "I just don't feel like it". So they don't. Whether it be going into work on a Monday, visiting an elderly relative, or dealing with their kids that night. Whatever "it" is, we now have a world full of people that make life altering decisions based on how they feel in that moment. Not if it is good for their families or the right thing to do - how do they feel about it?

Let me explain why this is dangerous: in this economy you lose your job and your family is depending on you for food and shelter. Two generations ago, you would walk out the door early the next morning (around 6am) and not come home until you had done something to earn money for that day no matter what. Now? You'll sit around for the first few days "just recuperating". Then you'll search for your ideal job on the Internet for the next week. And in between, you'll turn down job offers or refuse applications for jobs you just don't feel like having. By the time you do get hired, almost a month later if you're lucky, you are so desperate for money to buy groceries, you've accepted a job for minimum wage working night shift. Which isn't an insult to low wage workers or shift workers, God bless you all. My point is, in doing what you felt like, you passed on an opportunity to work in an entry level position because you're worth more than that, but now you're only worth minimum wage. Is that really the better position?

Now we have wives and mothers who don't cook because they don't enjoy it so our nation is the fattest in the world. We have teenagers moving out on their own who have no idea how to budget their money or even clean their apartments because we didn't want the hassle of trying to give them chores as kids. We have grown ups who are starting to ask for motivation to do their jobs. You want motivation to perform well? How about your paycheck? Do you enjoy air conditioning, food, hot water? How's that for motivation?!

I don't want to seem self righteous here so let me confess that I was one of these young adults. It may seem impossible, but I really didn't know how to clean. I knew how to do dishes, sweep, etc. But I didn't know that you had to clean your baseboards or windows. It never occurred to me that I would have to clean out my refrigerator. I could cook some things, but it was easier to just eat out. Financial success? No clue. I thought adding up my monthly bills and subtracting them from my paycheck gave me my spending money. Groceries, savings, gas, vehicle maintenance - that was all stuff to be dealt with on an individual basis as crises arose. And being healthy?? Not on your life.

I was very blessed in that God gave me a man who was ready for life. He had been raised to be a "man"; to provide for his family, to fulfill his obligations, to be responsible. Yes, in this politically correct society I thank God that I found him. And I am equally proud to say that he taught me how to be a wife. Unfortunately for him, I am still learning. But I am also teaching my children these principles. Ideas and beliefs that my grandparents were taught. I know that this is "uncool" and "sexist", but at least my children will not be knocking you down in the dark one night stealing your wallet because it's easier than getting a job.

So be very careful how often your kids hear you say, "I just don't feel like it today." You could be passing on something that will haunt society for years to come. In fact, we should all pray that more parents out there are going back to that so called "sexist" tradition. Then maybe our prisons would be less crowded.

Don't Fear the Jungle Gym

First - sorry for the major lag time. I've been in a funk. I think I'm coming out of it so there should be regular posts now.

Now onto my thoughts.

I was sitting in church yesterday listening to the pastor talk about letting fear rule our lives when I got a wonderful analogy in my head. (Yes, that means I wasn't paying attention. Sorry, Pastor Rick.) Only adults let fear rule their lives so completely. Case in point: watch kids playing at your local park on the jungle gym.

I remember my son, who was absolutely fearless when he was young, climb all over our jungle gym. At three, his favorite was to climb to the top of the monkey bars, and sit on them. I'm talking about directly on top, the highest point, just sit and hang out. He never once came over to me to ask about gravity if he fell, the risks vs. benefits, or anything else us grown ups would think about. He just decided he was going up there, and there he went. Of course, flash to me biting my nails underneath him, not yelling for fear of making him fall, waiting to make the trip to the hospital ER. But we never went. He never fell. And I'm convinced it was because it never occurred to him he might be in danger.

Here's where the motivational speaker usually ramps you up by telling you to think like that. Just decide and do - no fear. Yeah, right. Unfortunately, as adults we are fully aware of the risks of the decisions we make everyday. That's the difference between my son and myself. He was blissfully ignorant of the pain that awaited him just two inches in either direction. But I am fully aware, and so I sit on the end of the slide, in the safe zone, watching others make the climb.

I don't think the lesson to be learned from these kids is "no fear" or "decide and do". No, I believe the lesson is for us to not pass on our fears. Do our best to keep our children so fearless they never think twice about inventing electric cars or saving the rain forests in Argentina. And to keep from teaching them our fears, we are going to have to live by favorite motto: Fake it til you make it.

Let's put this into perspective: my son at three years old was probably about 3 1/2 feet tall. The bar across the top of the monkey bars was at least 12 feet high. That's almost four of him. But he never stopped to do the math. Because he didn't look at his goal from the bottom up, never realizing how high it was before he climbed. He looked straight ahead at what he had to do next, and then (TA DA!), he was there looking down at where he'd come from. And at that point, he was where he wanted to be so who cares how far he might have fallen. The point was he didn't.

So to all those parents out there who are living in a state of constant fear, like myself, hear this: get up, look to the next task to be done not up or around you, do that task, and repeat. Before you know it, you'll have passed your first goal, and you will have shown your kids no fear. Of course, you know how bad it will be if you fail, but why bring that up? Is discussing it going to prevent it? Does it help calm you? NO!! It only causes you to stand underneath those monkey bars looking up, sweating because you're too terrified now to take that first step.

I am going to try this in my house. Please look out for me. I'll be the mom shaking and sweating on my way to the top of the jungle gym. And smiling for my son the whole time!