Why I Don't Care How My Kids Feel...Mostly

Sounds horrible, doesn't it?  Especially to a couple that doesn't have children or maybe only has the one that they adore.  But let me explain, and you'll realize that you shouldn't care either.

I love my children.  Like, crazy, seriously, maybe too much sometimes, love my children.  They are my whole life.  I plan my days around them, making sure to take them to as many places for fun as they can stand, cooking what they like, watching only their shows when they are awake...I really love them.  But as my oldest reaches those dreaded teen age years, I've come to realize I should have not cared as much about all of their feelings when they were younger.

Why?  Well, I'm so glad I asked.  I'll tell you why.

Now they feel it is their right to come to me constantly with how bored they are with the expectation that I will entertain them.  Or every two minutes after bed time to tell me they aren't asleep yet.  Or they tell me all of their tiniest problems with each other or their friends hoping I'll jump in and fix everything for them.  None of this sounds too bad, but it has shown me that I've done them a disservice by setting up this precedent when they were younger.

Bored?  So what!  Go find something to do.  When I was little, I learned not to tell my parents I was bored because their solution was usually a chore.  I learned very quickly how to entertain myself, without electronics.  I would even just sit outside in a tree for hours in order to avoid doing extra chores.  My oldest two have no idea how to pretend or imagine.  Every time they were bored I either entertained them or we watched movies together because I wanted to enjoy their childhood with them so much.  Again, not a terrible thing, but somewhat short-sighted.

Can't sleep within five minutes of laying down?  I don't care.  I can't sleep now either because you keep coming downstairs to tell me you can't sleep.  Now both of us are going to be cranky tomorrow.  Go back upstairs, lie down, be still and quiet, and stare at your ceiling for the rest of the night.  I use to cuddle them, love on them, tell them stories, discuss life's problems in order to make them feel better.  The problem?  Now it's just a tactic they use to stay awake past bedtime.

I've realized that in trying to spend every minute with them when they were younger, I've limited their growth in some areas. I wasn't doing anything wrong.  But now that they are supposed to be growing into young adults, I'm trying to undo a lot of things I've done.  That's very difficult.

With my youngest, I'm doing most things differently.  And I'm already seeing a difference even though he is only 3.  He has a fantastic imagination.  The other day, for example, we were playing inside a tube at a play center for over an hour pretending it was a spaceship, a submarine,  and an airplane in the mountains.  At the pool last week, he put on my sunglasses and told me he was the mom and I was the baby.  He then "fed" me lunch and took me to different stores.  I never suggested those situations.  He initiated the play, and I just went along.

He is also capable of playing alone.  He builds with blocks, he does puzzles, or sometimes he just sits next to me while we both read books.

He is already a problem solver.  He loves to observe then solve problems that arise.  Missing puzzle piece?  No big deal, he just finds a different piece that is similar and turns a Jake puzzle into a Jake and Sophia puzzle.  Big sister and brother are fighting?  Upsetting but not life ending.  He comforts big sister then tells big brother to not yell and use his words instead.  He doesn't run to me with every detail.

I was so excited to have children that I forgot the most important rule: I am their PARENT, not their FRIEND.

I disciplined.  There were groundings, time outs, the works.  But I was their friend first then when they crossed the line, I became the parent.  I had it backwards.  I should have been their parent who enjoys playing with them instead.

Why is this such a big deal beyond my daily frustrations?  Because life doesn't care how they feel either.  We like to pretend it does, but that's not true.  When was the last time your boss asked you how you felt about your co-workers then really listened and tried to help with your issues?  How about the cashier who is going slower than an iceberg while your toddler is screaming in  your arms and the only items you are buying suggest the baby is sick?  Does she ask if you are okay then try to help you if you're not?  Nope.  Nobody cares how you feel.

Your boss wants you to do your job without too much issue.  Do they care how you feel?  Maybe on a personal level, but professionally they just want you to be a good employee.  Will your kids care how you feel?  Maybe if it doesn't upset their world, but let your feelings get in the way of their friends, electronics, or food and see what happens.

This is what we are trying to impart to my teen-ager.  Is this fair?  Is this right?  Nope, but it doesn't change anything.  Really the only people who actually care about how you feel are normally people that don't have any control over what happens in your life.  Your spouse, your parents, and your close friends.  Which is great, but they can't help your career, raise your kids, or pay your bills...unless you take advantage, which you shouldn't.

So, you see?  It's not that I don't care about my  kids or their feelings, but I feel like in caring too much, and putting too much emphasis on how they are feeling, I have forgotten to teach them that life is not about how you feel.

I never feel like doing laundry, waking up super early to deal with whiny school kids, or cleaning unidentifiable stains off of my new furniture.  But it is stuff I have to do because I'm a mom.  They never feel like doing homework when it's nice outside, cleaning their room, or being nice to each other, but those are their responsibilities as members of this family.  And I know my husband never feels like getting on a crowded plane every week at 7am only to be delayed, surrounded by smells that aren't even human, and touched inappropriately by strangers due to lack of personal space.  But he does it.  Every week without complaint because it is his responsibility as an adult man with a family to support.

Something important I have taught my children about feelings, though, is that in doing things that you don't want to do for people, it will help them to feel good which will help you to feel good even if you still don't like doing it.

They still don't clean their rooms, though!

Losing the Battle vs. Winning the War

So today, while sweating profusely in my garage, I was listening to some music, and the song that inspired this blog post came on.  It was "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave.  I love that song, and today I guess I needed to hear it.  I've posted some of the lyrics below, but all credit and rights go to Big Daddy Weave.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son

Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me

'Cause his day is long dead and gone

Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

Did you see it?  The lines in bold?  That was the inspiration.  So here is the result - 

Why do we, as Christians, live a life of defeat every time we hit a bump if we, of all people, know the end of the story?  Lose your job?  Illness?  Tragedy?  Not the end!!  

I'm not minimizing the pain of those things, but just trying to put them into perspective.  Those are only battles, but the war is guaranteed a victory for our side!  Imagine that!?!  How would the Allied soldiers' attitudes have changed if we could have proven their victory in the middle of those miserable, dark, and lonely winters?  

Remember that there are only two teams on this battlefield - God and Satan.  The world likes to put other names out there, Buddha, yoga, agnostics, but there are truly only two teams.  And ours is the victor!  

When you do lose a battle, don't let it put you off the field.  Satan isn't trying to win actual Satan worshipers - he's just trying to get Christians off the field and onto the bench!  Don't let him win you!

Stand up in the middle of that tragedy and scream: I AM REDEEMED!!  I'VE BEEN SET FREE!  

Quote Job who lost more and gained more than any Christian I've ever heard of when he says, "Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him" Job 13:15 (NIV)

Tell the world it has not crushed another believer; it has not stolen another's hope.  Grab your broken helmet, bandage that wound, grab your sword, and get back out there!  There is nothing so inspiring as seeing the broken and wounded walk in victory while still bleeding.

We Christians should stop focusing on losing the battle, and instead focus on winning the soldiers hearts!

OK, I"m off my soapbox - someone else can have it now!