In the Bible, when it says that the husband shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife then the two shall become one, I think that needs to be explained. I know there have been countless sermons on this line, but I don't think the pastors ever have time to really delve into this passage too deeply. Not that I am an expert, but in my own life and marriage I've learned how to actually apply this command so it becomes more than a line or cliche.
"Becoming one" isn't just oh, we are one, we agree, we never struggle. Being one doesn't mean you are okay with everything you're spouse does - it means accepting them anyway. Not agreeing - accepting. Let me explain the difference.
My husband hates the way I load the dishwasher. He'll actually redo it if he catches it before I run it through the cycle. He really believes that the dishes I wash aren't clean, but he appreciates my effort. I can't stand the way he washes dishes because he is one of those that actually washes the dishes by hand before loading them into the dishwasher. In my opinion that is a waste of time. This doesn't sound like a big deal, right? I mean, at least he is washing dishes, right? Sort of. It takes him an hour to wash a regular load of dishes. I'm not talking about cleaning the pots and pans or wiping down counters. Just what is in the sink. An hour.
Any woman who is trying to clean knows why I could get aggravated with that situation. I'm trying to clean, and he's running water for an hour straight washing dishes by hand when he could just load them up and get out of my way. I know for most people this isn't a big deal, but we actually used to fight over this.
When I finally realized what "being one" means, I realized that this wasn't a big deal. Be thankful he's doing the dishes and move on. Let it go. Stop being aggravated at the little things. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
It also means accepting them unconditionally. You are not going to be filled with fuzzy, shiny feelings all the time. Love is an action word not a feeling. But if you can learn to accept your spouse as they currently are then you'll find you can handle much more in your marriage than before. Let me specify that anyone who is in an abusive relationship or is living with someone who in anyway harms anyone else GET OUT!! This lesson is only for those in a loving, committed marital relationship. If you are contemplating divorce, try this out first. After all, what do you have to lose?
Accepting your mate means seeing them as they are at this moment and saying to yourself: "If they never change, never improve, I will still love them and want to be with them." This is hard, especially for men because they are fixers. Men want to solve problems, and that is a very good thing, but I am your wife, not your problem so stop trying to fix me. This is also hard for some women because they marry a man thinking "It will get better after we are married". WRONG!! I can't even begin to explain how wrong this is for women to think. It never gets better. If it is there before you are married, it will only get bigger after you are married.
I think this is a good question for all engaged couples to answer. If you're spouse never changed, never improved, never did anything differently than they do now, could you live with that the rest of your life and still love them? So many less divorces would occur.
Another question is: Do I do this thing that I am getting mad at them about? It will really help put things into perspective so you aren't always gunning for them when they irritate you.
I could write a hundred more pages on this, but I just wanted to point out that being "one" isn't all lovey-dovey-greeting card days in the sunshine. It means seeing your spouse for who they are and loving them anyway, everyday, no matter what. And sometimes the only way that happens is to remind yourself through gritted teeth: "I love them. I love them."
