Why I Don't Care How My Kids Feel...Mostly

Sounds horrible, doesn't it?  Especially to a couple that doesn't have children or maybe only has the one that they adore.  But let me explain, and you'll realize that you shouldn't care either.

I love my children.  Like, crazy, seriously, maybe too much sometimes, love my children.  They are my whole life.  I plan my days around them, making sure to take them to as many places for fun as they can stand, cooking what they like, watching only their shows when they are awake...I really love them.  But as my oldest reaches those dreaded teen age years, I've come to realize I should have not cared as much about all of their feelings when they were younger.

Why?  Well, I'm so glad I asked.  I'll tell you why.

Now they feel it is their right to come to me constantly with how bored they are with the expectation that I will entertain them.  Or every two minutes after bed time to tell me they aren't asleep yet.  Or they tell me all of their tiniest problems with each other or their friends hoping I'll jump in and fix everything for them.  None of this sounds too bad, but it has shown me that I've done them a disservice by setting up this precedent when they were younger.

Bored?  So what!  Go find something to do.  When I was little, I learned not to tell my parents I was bored because their solution was usually a chore.  I learned very quickly how to entertain myself, without electronics.  I would even just sit outside in a tree for hours in order to avoid doing extra chores.  My oldest two have no idea how to pretend or imagine.  Every time they were bored I either entertained them or we watched movies together because I wanted to enjoy their childhood with them so much.  Again, not a terrible thing, but somewhat short-sighted.

Can't sleep within five minutes of laying down?  I don't care.  I can't sleep now either because you keep coming downstairs to tell me you can't sleep.  Now both of us are going to be cranky tomorrow.  Go back upstairs, lie down, be still and quiet, and stare at your ceiling for the rest of the night.  I use to cuddle them, love on them, tell them stories, discuss life's problems in order to make them feel better.  The problem?  Now it's just a tactic they use to stay awake past bedtime.

I've realized that in trying to spend every minute with them when they were younger, I've limited their growth in some areas. I wasn't doing anything wrong.  But now that they are supposed to be growing into young adults, I'm trying to undo a lot of things I've done.  That's very difficult.

With my youngest, I'm doing most things differently.  And I'm already seeing a difference even though he is only 3.  He has a fantastic imagination.  The other day, for example, we were playing inside a tube at a play center for over an hour pretending it was a spaceship, a submarine,  and an airplane in the mountains.  At the pool last week, he put on my sunglasses and told me he was the mom and I was the baby.  He then "fed" me lunch and took me to different stores.  I never suggested those situations.  He initiated the play, and I just went along.

He is also capable of playing alone.  He builds with blocks, he does puzzles, or sometimes he just sits next to me while we both read books.

He is already a problem solver.  He loves to observe then solve problems that arise.  Missing puzzle piece?  No big deal, he just finds a different piece that is similar and turns a Jake puzzle into a Jake and Sophia puzzle.  Big sister and brother are fighting?  Upsetting but not life ending.  He comforts big sister then tells big brother to not yell and use his words instead.  He doesn't run to me with every detail.

I was so excited to have children that I forgot the most important rule: I am their PARENT, not their FRIEND.

I disciplined.  There were groundings, time outs, the works.  But I was their friend first then when they crossed the line, I became the parent.  I had it backwards.  I should have been their parent who enjoys playing with them instead.

Why is this such a big deal beyond my daily frustrations?  Because life doesn't care how they feel either.  We like to pretend it does, but that's not true.  When was the last time your boss asked you how you felt about your co-workers then really listened and tried to help with your issues?  How about the cashier who is going slower than an iceberg while your toddler is screaming in  your arms and the only items you are buying suggest the baby is sick?  Does she ask if you are okay then try to help you if you're not?  Nope.  Nobody cares how you feel.

Your boss wants you to do your job without too much issue.  Do they care how you feel?  Maybe on a personal level, but professionally they just want you to be a good employee.  Will your kids care how you feel?  Maybe if it doesn't upset their world, but let your feelings get in the way of their friends, electronics, or food and see what happens.

This is what we are trying to impart to my teen-ager.  Is this fair?  Is this right?  Nope, but it doesn't change anything.  Really the only people who actually care about how you feel are normally people that don't have any control over what happens in your life.  Your spouse, your parents, and your close friends.  Which is great, but they can't help your career, raise your kids, or pay your bills...unless you take advantage, which you shouldn't.

So, you see?  It's not that I don't care about my  kids or their feelings, but I feel like in caring too much, and putting too much emphasis on how they are feeling, I have forgotten to teach them that life is not about how you feel.

I never feel like doing laundry, waking up super early to deal with whiny school kids, or cleaning unidentifiable stains off of my new furniture.  But it is stuff I have to do because I'm a mom.  They never feel like doing homework when it's nice outside, cleaning their room, or being nice to each other, but those are their responsibilities as members of this family.  And I know my husband never feels like getting on a crowded plane every week at 7am only to be delayed, surrounded by smells that aren't even human, and touched inappropriately by strangers due to lack of personal space.  But he does it.  Every week without complaint because it is his responsibility as an adult man with a family to support.

Something important I have taught my children about feelings, though, is that in doing things that you don't want to do for people, it will help them to feel good which will help you to feel good even if you still don't like doing it.

They still don't clean their rooms, though!

Submissive Wives....ooohh, dirty words!

OK, so talking about being a submissive wife is a major no-no these days.  I get why.  For so long, men used that as a club to beat their wives down...literally.  But in its original meaning, it isn't supposed to be a weapon.  It is supposed to be a ranking order.  That's it.  Sort of military style.  You know, general, corporal, commander, etc.  So I thought about how to explain this to my daughter as she grows up, and this is what i came up with so bear with me.

Imagine you and your spouse were pirates.  Everyone on the pirate ship knows how to sail the boat.  You all  know how to take over other ships for booty (ha, ha).  But someone has to be the final say so on the where and when or the ship would literally stall out in the ocean so you all elect someone to be captain.  He is in charge of where you go, but he's also the one responsible if you don't find the treasure.  If he's a total dictator?  You get together and mutiny then lop off his bloody.....ok.  Forget the pirate thing.  Please don't lop off his anything.

Try this one:

You are both pilots of commercial airplanes.  You both went to flight school, graduated, got the license and the little wings on your suit jacket.  You both sit in the cockpit every flight.  However, you would never get off the ground if you both spent your time arguing over who was going to do the actual flying and where you were going to land.  Think about it.  "I'm a woman who is under no man so I'm going to demand my equality by arguing with you about every decision you try to make so that we end up going nowhere then I'm going to blame you for not getting us anywhere."  "Well, I'm a man and you'll do what I say because I said it because I can't actually explain to you that I'm not trying to be chauvinistic, I just need your trust to feel like a whole man like you need romance to feel like a loved woman so we'll still get nowhere and now we are both miserable."

Who does that?  Why not try something else?  A real man, a truly strong man, will say: "We are a team.  I want us to be together on every decision so here's the flight map.  I'm thinking we go here and here.  What do you think?"  A woman should respond with: "We are a team.  I'm just as capable a pilot as you so here is my opinion."  Man: "OK, but I think it might be a better trip if we go this route."  Woman: "OK, I don't agree with that, but I'll be here as your backup."

Someone has to be in charge.  In every other relationship in life whether it be military, corporations, schools, fast food restaurants, heck even charities have hierarchies.  Why, all of the sudden, are we so opposed to a hierarchy at home?

I think we lose sight of the consequences and responsibilities of each role.  Husbands are supposed to "in charge" so to speak.  This doesn't mean they are the bullies of the home.  A true man will see this role as the privilege it is, and treat his wife accordingly.  The President is in charge, but the first thing he does is surround himself with his top advisors.  Then he consults them on every decision he faces because he knows that he can't know it all, and a wise man will seek the counsel of his closest allies before making a decision.  So the husband should seek the wise counsel of his closest ally, his wife, before making a decision.  A real man will realize that the true power lies in the wife's position.  Honestly.  A wife chooses whether or not to submit to her husband.  If she chooses not to then her household, her marriage, will suffer and both partners will have no peace.  If she chooses to place her trust and faith in a man she has proclaimed to love above all others, then her household will be full of joy and peace.  The power to bring joy to her life lay in her hands.  This does mean that a woman needs to choose a man who is worthy of the honor of being called her husband.

On the other hand, a man is also left holding the bag when things go wrong.  This doesn't just mean he chose the wrong repairman when the a/c broke.  This means he is ultimately the one responsible for providing and protecting his family.  Not in reality.  He's not the only one paying bills maybe, or raising the kids.  What it means is, in a household where the wife submits and shows her husband that trust, the children will see that.  He will feel like everyone is looking to him for the answers.  He will know that the final choice lay with him, and if the decision ends badly, he will feel like the blame is all his.  That is a lot of pressure for someone to live with on a daily basis.  It isn't all ruling the kingdom from the throne, and watching your lackeys dance for you.  It can be very stressful for a man.  Add to that stress the feeling of knowing your wife doesn't trust you to make the decisions for the family, and you have a man that isn't going to be happy.  He's going to pull away, and now the wife isn't happy because he isn't involved.

Now the wife:  A woman who is comfortable in her role as the submissive woman will realize that she is the true power in her home, and will use it wisely.  She will see that submitting to her husband, proving that she truly trusts him to do what is best for their family, will make him feel better than a thousand romantic notes in his lunch or sexy nighties in your drawer.  It puts into actions the words you spoke when you got married : I love you.  A woman won't push so hard to assert her power that she knocks down her husband in the process.  A woman who is truly strong, who truly knows the power of being a woman, will realize that supporting her husband will help him to seek her wisdom more and more often.  She will find that her husband, if she has chosen a good man in the first place, will tend to follow her advice more often when she is submissive than not.

Go back to the pilot thing.  Being the pilot who is in command in the cockpit is a privilege that all pilots seek. It is an honor.  It speaks of the company's trust in your ability.  However, you know that if the plane crashes, and you survive, you are going to be held responsible for every life on that plane.  Not your co-pilot.  Think about it.  When that plane landed in the Hudson, how much press coverage did the co-pilot get?  Exactly.

As the co-pilot, you aren't less important.  In fact, if the pilot goes down for some reason, guess who is the most important person on the planet to those passengers?  The pilot is relying on you, only you to be there here for him.  Not the passengers.  Not the flight attendants.  In other words, he trusts only you to be there for him.  And as you fly together more and more, he sees your trust in him more and more, the relationship between the two of you growing more and more, guess who he is going to start flying with more confidently every time?  You will build a bond that is stronger than any other in that company.  He will place you above all others.  And you him.

Doesn't that sound like what we all want in our marriages?  I don't think anyone gets married thinking "I can't wait to start fighting and mistrusting him.  Treating him like he's too stupid to be in charge, and he makes me feel crazy and emotional and unwanted.  Woo hoo!"

I'm not trying to preach here.  I'm just trying to say that I'm going to hope my daughter doesn't grow up seeing me submit to my husband, and take that to mean that I'm not an equal in my relationship.  I hope she sees that my husband takes my submission as the gift that it is and treasures it appropriately.  I hope my sons see the way my husband takes his leadership role as seriously as any general commanding troops in the field whose lives are held in his hands.  I hope they treasure their wives accordingly.  It's obvious something isn't working right in the home today.  Why not try this out?  If you are already miserable together then what can this hurt?  You thought about counseling and other things, why not this?  If it doesn't work, then so what you're still miserable only now you get to say "I told you so".

And, P.S., I am in no way advocating abuse in any way.  A man that uses his role as leader to abuse his family in any form is not a man.  He is no better than the evil, small little dictators that had to rule their countries with iron fists because they could not inspire enough respect to rule with devotion.  If you love your husband and trust him enough to marry him, try trusting him enough to take care of you, too.  If you love your husband, and married him hoping to change his abusive ways?  Get out.  Get help.

Alright, I'm off the soap box.  Someone else can use it now.

It's Not My Age, It's Total Capacity

Okay, you know when someone forgets something or loses something they say, "I'm getting old"?  I have figured out a better way to explain our "senior" moments.  It's actually from the computer era so any of you computer nerds (like my husband) will enjoy it.  It is called "exceeding capacity".  If our brain is like a computer hard drive, then I'm sure most of you out there have experienced the lack of capacity problem at least once.  Well, I have decided that is what is happening to our brains.  Especially moms (and any single dads out there).

Just like your computer has stuff that is constantly running in the background, so does our brain, but instead of security programs, possible viruses, and windows framework it's schedules, meals, bills, etc.  And depending on the weather, possible viruses whether it be ours or our family.  Think about it.  If you work, you're in charge of everything you do at work, remembering your kids' school holidays, programs, science projects, math homework, daycare days, weekend plans, sports or dance, doctors appointments, daily nutritional needs, amount of clothes before you absolutely have to do laundry, household inventory for food and supplies, and then there's more if you're married - your husband's schedule (because apparently he has the capacity of a Windows 97 PC), his daily needs (including food!), dry cleaning, in-laws, birthdays, anniversaries, world holidays, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, bar-b-ques, hunting season, sports teams' names, seasons, and scores, pet needs, separate tv, music, video game needs for each individual, not to mention housework, gardening, notes to the teacher, notes from the teacher, notes about the teacher.....need I go on?  And then your husband has the nerve to gripe when you forget to mention the car needs an oil change!!  Or your kids whine when you forget their favorite cereal in the $400 worth of groceries you shopped for, bought, and are now carting in ALONE!!

Just remind them that even an hundred years ago, women of the house, the mistress or lady, wasn't required to do any of this alone.  From the lowest born to the wealthy, everyone helped.  The nobles had servants to tend to the cleaning, the kids, everything.  The mistress was only required to oversee it all was done properly and in a timely manner. 

So the next time your boss asks you where that presentation is or you forget what your husband just asked or you can't finish a conversation with a friend because your "hard drive" just crashed, instead of saying you're getting old, say that you've reached capacity.  And just like with computers, you need to be restarted.  Then find a nice, quiet place, lie down for five minutes, and when you're boss asks what you're doing, you can honestly say, sending an error report to Microsoft!!!

Family - How much is too much?

Like all good Southern girls, I love my family. We are large, loud, and very close. But over the years, especially after having my own children, I wonder if we are too close. I mean, should we really be in everyone's business? Where are our boundaries? Why don't we have any? And how do you change that in a family that doesn't perceive its own dysfunction? Honestly? I don't know.

I truly love my family, and I want my children to be just as close to them as I am. But I'm tired of the gossiping, the backbiting, the ugliness. I definitely don't want my kids to be a part of that. I don't know if they were always this way or if I'm only noticing now that I'm older and more removed from them. Either way, I'm sick of it. When I visit I don't want to listen to who is the worst daughter, who is the worst parent, and what's wrong with my life. I just want to chat, to catch up. But it seems they don't know how to have a pleasant conversation anymore.

I loved growing up with a large family, and I wanted that for my own children. Sunday dinners at grandma's, lots of cousins running around to play with, and large holiday gatherings. Sadly, we live too far away now to have the first two, but the holidays could be really awesome with so many of us. Not anymore.

I have to admit, I find myself dreading the holidays because I know there will be ugliness. I'm saddened by the loss of the closeness we had in the past. I'm even more sad that my children will never know them as I knew them. But I've come to realize that I can't change them. I can't change them because they don't want to change. And I think that's the hardest part of all to accept.

So to anyone out there who has a large family, or just a small that's very close, listen up: set boundaries, give respect, and above all, do everything with love. Don't let pettiness ruin your familial bonds!