Why I Don't Care How My Kids Feel...Mostly

Sounds horrible, doesn't it?  Especially to a couple that doesn't have children or maybe only has the one that they adore.  But let me explain, and you'll realize that you shouldn't care either.

I love my children.  Like, crazy, seriously, maybe too much sometimes, love my children.  They are my whole life.  I plan my days around them, making sure to take them to as many places for fun as they can stand, cooking what they like, watching only their shows when they are awake...I really love them.  But as my oldest reaches those dreaded teen age years, I've come to realize I should have not cared as much about all of their feelings when they were younger.

Why?  Well, I'm so glad I asked.  I'll tell you why.

Now they feel it is their right to come to me constantly with how bored they are with the expectation that I will entertain them.  Or every two minutes after bed time to tell me they aren't asleep yet.  Or they tell me all of their tiniest problems with each other or their friends hoping I'll jump in and fix everything for them.  None of this sounds too bad, but it has shown me that I've done them a disservice by setting up this precedent when they were younger.

Bored?  So what!  Go find something to do.  When I was little, I learned not to tell my parents I was bored because their solution was usually a chore.  I learned very quickly how to entertain myself, without electronics.  I would even just sit outside in a tree for hours in order to avoid doing extra chores.  My oldest two have no idea how to pretend or imagine.  Every time they were bored I either entertained them or we watched movies together because I wanted to enjoy their childhood with them so much.  Again, not a terrible thing, but somewhat short-sighted.

Can't sleep within five minutes of laying down?  I don't care.  I can't sleep now either because you keep coming downstairs to tell me you can't sleep.  Now both of us are going to be cranky tomorrow.  Go back upstairs, lie down, be still and quiet, and stare at your ceiling for the rest of the night.  I use to cuddle them, love on them, tell them stories, discuss life's problems in order to make them feel better.  The problem?  Now it's just a tactic they use to stay awake past bedtime.

I've realized that in trying to spend every minute with them when they were younger, I've limited their growth in some areas. I wasn't doing anything wrong.  But now that they are supposed to be growing into young adults, I'm trying to undo a lot of things I've done.  That's very difficult.

With my youngest, I'm doing most things differently.  And I'm already seeing a difference even though he is only 3.  He has a fantastic imagination.  The other day, for example, we were playing inside a tube at a play center for over an hour pretending it was a spaceship, a submarine,  and an airplane in the mountains.  At the pool last week, he put on my sunglasses and told me he was the mom and I was the baby.  He then "fed" me lunch and took me to different stores.  I never suggested those situations.  He initiated the play, and I just went along.

He is also capable of playing alone.  He builds with blocks, he does puzzles, or sometimes he just sits next to me while we both read books.

He is already a problem solver.  He loves to observe then solve problems that arise.  Missing puzzle piece?  No big deal, he just finds a different piece that is similar and turns a Jake puzzle into a Jake and Sophia puzzle.  Big sister and brother are fighting?  Upsetting but not life ending.  He comforts big sister then tells big brother to not yell and use his words instead.  He doesn't run to me with every detail.

I was so excited to have children that I forgot the most important rule: I am their PARENT, not their FRIEND.

I disciplined.  There were groundings, time outs, the works.  But I was their friend first then when they crossed the line, I became the parent.  I had it backwards.  I should have been their parent who enjoys playing with them instead.

Why is this such a big deal beyond my daily frustrations?  Because life doesn't care how they feel either.  We like to pretend it does, but that's not true.  When was the last time your boss asked you how you felt about your co-workers then really listened and tried to help with your issues?  How about the cashier who is going slower than an iceberg while your toddler is screaming in  your arms and the only items you are buying suggest the baby is sick?  Does she ask if you are okay then try to help you if you're not?  Nope.  Nobody cares how you feel.

Your boss wants you to do your job without too much issue.  Do they care how you feel?  Maybe on a personal level, but professionally they just want you to be a good employee.  Will your kids care how you feel?  Maybe if it doesn't upset their world, but let your feelings get in the way of their friends, electronics, or food and see what happens.

This is what we are trying to impart to my teen-ager.  Is this fair?  Is this right?  Nope, but it doesn't change anything.  Really the only people who actually care about how you feel are normally people that don't have any control over what happens in your life.  Your spouse, your parents, and your close friends.  Which is great, but they can't help your career, raise your kids, or pay your bills...unless you take advantage, which you shouldn't.

So, you see?  It's not that I don't care about my  kids or their feelings, but I feel like in caring too much, and putting too much emphasis on how they are feeling, I have forgotten to teach them that life is not about how you feel.

I never feel like doing laundry, waking up super early to deal with whiny school kids, or cleaning unidentifiable stains off of my new furniture.  But it is stuff I have to do because I'm a mom.  They never feel like doing homework when it's nice outside, cleaning their room, or being nice to each other, but those are their responsibilities as members of this family.  And I know my husband never feels like getting on a crowded plane every week at 7am only to be delayed, surrounded by smells that aren't even human, and touched inappropriately by strangers due to lack of personal space.  But he does it.  Every week without complaint because it is his responsibility as an adult man with a family to support.

Something important I have taught my children about feelings, though, is that in doing things that you don't want to do for people, it will help them to feel good which will help you to feel good even if you still don't like doing it.

They still don't clean their rooms, though!

Thought Goulash

Goulash was "junk" soup growing up.  We just tossed in anything we had with some beef bouillon and tomato sauce then we ate.  This is my way of saying here is just a mass jumble of thoughts.

First, I haven't written since April??  You don't realize how busy you've been until you stop and look back.  Of course, May is always a scramble it seems.  And June, July, August...well, you get the point.  It's a good busy, though.  I spent all of May, and will spend all summer, doing things for my babies.  And what's better than that???  Nothing.  I am constantly amazed at how much I love them. 

New topic!  How awesomely lame has the summer movie season been so far??  I am super excited about almost everything coming out, but according to experts, May is supposed to set the tone for the summer.  Well, this year that tone sucked.  Shrek 4, really 4?  Sex and the City 2?  I'm supposed to believe they really looked like that in the desert?  Like I care anyway.  Want to know what's bad?  I can't even think of any other movies that have debuted.  That's how bad it's been.  But with Toy Story 3, ATeam, Eclipse, The Expendables, and more still to come, I have faith that it can only go up from here.

Switch!  How awesome were the cartoons from the 80s and 90s?  I'll tell you: really freaking awesome.  I am trying to introduce them to my babies, and I find myself having the best time reminiscing.  And can I say that they are better than the cartoons on now?  I mean, seriously, have you watched Cartoon Network recently?  Not to mention that Nick doesn't even show cartoons anymore.  And the live shows are stupid.  I mean, worse than just kid stupid. 

Last topic:  Did anyone else hate the character of Worf's son on Star Trek?  What was his name anyway?  It was like Gene Roddenberry's version of Scrappy from Scooby Doo.  I can honestly say that for the first and probably only time, I would have been fine with a storyline that killed off a kid.  That kid.  Worf's kid.  I know it's a weird ramble, but I just had to get that off my chest.  Couldn't let that anger fester.

I'm sure there are more thoughts I could toss in, but I'm tired.  Oh to sleep....

Family - How much is too much?

Like all good Southern girls, I love my family. We are large, loud, and very close. But over the years, especially after having my own children, I wonder if we are too close. I mean, should we really be in everyone's business? Where are our boundaries? Why don't we have any? And how do you change that in a family that doesn't perceive its own dysfunction? Honestly? I don't know.

I truly love my family, and I want my children to be just as close to them as I am. But I'm tired of the gossiping, the backbiting, the ugliness. I definitely don't want my kids to be a part of that. I don't know if they were always this way or if I'm only noticing now that I'm older and more removed from them. Either way, I'm sick of it. When I visit I don't want to listen to who is the worst daughter, who is the worst parent, and what's wrong with my life. I just want to chat, to catch up. But it seems they don't know how to have a pleasant conversation anymore.

I loved growing up with a large family, and I wanted that for my own children. Sunday dinners at grandma's, lots of cousins running around to play with, and large holiday gatherings. Sadly, we live too far away now to have the first two, but the holidays could be really awesome with so many of us. Not anymore.

I have to admit, I find myself dreading the holidays because I know there will be ugliness. I'm saddened by the loss of the closeness we had in the past. I'm even more sad that my children will never know them as I knew them. But I've come to realize that I can't change them. I can't change them because they don't want to change. And I think that's the hardest part of all to accept.

So to anyone out there who has a large family, or just a small that's very close, listen up: set boundaries, give respect, and above all, do everything with love. Don't let pettiness ruin your familial bonds!

Be Careful of How You "Feel"

My son is nine now so we are going through that whole self-awareness, still immature phase. One thing I've noticed I keep telling him is that as an adult no one will care how he feels. And I realized yesterday that it's true, and for the first time ever, a major problem in our world today.

Let me clarify. When I say "no one will care about your feelings", I'm not being ugly. But think about it. Does your boss care why you didn't get the report done on time? No, he only cares if it gets done on time. Your kids don't care how you feel if dinner isn't on the table. They only know they are hungry, and you didn't cook. The electric company isn't going to sit on the phone and listen to every sob story that comes with an unpaid bill. They want your money, and could care less how you get it to them. This is what I'm trying to teach my son. But I look around at people I know that are younger than me, and I realize they are all the same way.

In trying to make our children feel they are loved, we've encouraged them to be emotional beings. We've taught them that anger, sadness, etc. are okay to feel to their fullest. We've tried to keep them from being ridiculed for not being excited about sports or frustrated for their inabilities. And worst of all, we've given in to their every tantrum because we just don't have time to deal with it. And now we are reaping the consequences of our actions.

Our world is full of people who walk around every day saying, "I just don't feel like it". So they don't. Whether it be going into work on a Monday, visiting an elderly relative, or dealing with their kids that night. Whatever "it" is, we now have a world full of people that make life altering decisions based on how they feel in that moment. Not if it is good for their families or the right thing to do - how do they feel about it?

Let me explain why this is dangerous: in this economy you lose your job and your family is depending on you for food and shelter. Two generations ago, you would walk out the door early the next morning (around 6am) and not come home until you had done something to earn money for that day no matter what. Now? You'll sit around for the first few days "just recuperating". Then you'll search for your ideal job on the Internet for the next week. And in between, you'll turn down job offers or refuse applications for jobs you just don't feel like having. By the time you do get hired, almost a month later if you're lucky, you are so desperate for money to buy groceries, you've accepted a job for minimum wage working night shift. Which isn't an insult to low wage workers or shift workers, God bless you all. My point is, in doing what you felt like, you passed on an opportunity to work in an entry level position because you're worth more than that, but now you're only worth minimum wage. Is that really the better position?

Now we have wives and mothers who don't cook because they don't enjoy it so our nation is the fattest in the world. We have teenagers moving out on their own who have no idea how to budget their money or even clean their apartments because we didn't want the hassle of trying to give them chores as kids. We have grown ups who are starting to ask for motivation to do their jobs. You want motivation to perform well? How about your paycheck? Do you enjoy air conditioning, food, hot water? How's that for motivation?!

I don't want to seem self righteous here so let me confess that I was one of these young adults. It may seem impossible, but I really didn't know how to clean. I knew how to do dishes, sweep, etc. But I didn't know that you had to clean your baseboards or windows. It never occurred to me that I would have to clean out my refrigerator. I could cook some things, but it was easier to just eat out. Financial success? No clue. I thought adding up my monthly bills and subtracting them from my paycheck gave me my spending money. Groceries, savings, gas, vehicle maintenance - that was all stuff to be dealt with on an individual basis as crises arose. And being healthy?? Not on your life.

I was very blessed in that God gave me a man who was ready for life. He had been raised to be a "man"; to provide for his family, to fulfill his obligations, to be responsible. Yes, in this politically correct society I thank God that I found him. And I am equally proud to say that he taught me how to be a wife. Unfortunately for him, I am still learning. But I am also teaching my children these principles. Ideas and beliefs that my grandparents were taught. I know that this is "uncool" and "sexist", but at least my children will not be knocking you down in the dark one night stealing your wallet because it's easier than getting a job.

So be very careful how often your kids hear you say, "I just don't feel like it today." You could be passing on something that will haunt society for years to come. In fact, we should all pray that more parents out there are going back to that so called "sexist" tradition. Then maybe our prisons would be less crowded.