OK, so talking about being a submissive wife is a major no-no these days. I get why. For so long, men used that as a club to beat their wives down...literally. But in its original meaning, it isn't supposed to be a weapon. It is supposed to be a ranking order. That's it. Sort of military style. You know, general, corporal, commander, etc. So I thought about how to explain this to my daughter as she grows up, and this is what i came up with so bear with me.
Imagine you and your spouse were pirates. Everyone on the pirate ship knows how to sail the boat. You all know how to take over other ships for booty (ha, ha). But someone has to be the final say so on the where and when or the ship would literally stall out in the ocean so you all elect someone to be captain. He is in charge of where you go, but he's also the one responsible if you don't find the treasure. If he's a total dictator? You get together and mutiny then lop off his bloody.....ok. Forget the pirate thing. Please don't lop off his anything.
Try this one:
You are both pilots of commercial airplanes. You both went to flight school, graduated, got the license and the little wings on your suit jacket. You both sit in the cockpit every flight. However, you would never get off the ground if you both spent your time arguing over who was going to do the actual flying and where you were going to land. Think about it. "I'm a woman who is under no man so I'm going to demand my equality by arguing with you about every decision you try to make so that we end up going nowhere then I'm going to blame you for not getting us anywhere." "Well, I'm a man and you'll do what I say because I said it because I can't actually explain to you that I'm not trying to be chauvinistic, I just need your trust to feel like a whole man like you need romance to feel like a loved woman so we'll still get nowhere and now we are both miserable."
Who does that? Why not try something else? A real man, a truly strong man, will say: "We are a team. I want us to be together on every decision so here's the flight map. I'm thinking we go here and here. What do you think?" A woman should respond with: "We are a team. I'm just as capable a pilot as you so here is my opinion." Man: "OK, but I think it might be a better trip if we go this route." Woman: "OK, I don't agree with that, but I'll be here as your backup."
Someone has to be in charge. In every other relationship in life whether it be military, corporations, schools, fast food restaurants, heck even charities have hierarchies. Why, all of the sudden, are we so opposed to a hierarchy at home?
I think we lose sight of the consequences and responsibilities of each role. Husbands are supposed to "in charge" so to speak. This doesn't mean they are the bullies of the home. A true man will see this role as the privilege it is, and treat his wife accordingly. The President is in charge, but the first thing he does is surround himself with his top advisors. Then he consults them on every decision he faces because he knows that he can't know it all, and a wise man will seek the counsel of his closest allies before making a decision. So the husband should seek the wise counsel of his closest ally, his wife, before making a decision. A real man will realize that the true power lies in the wife's position. Honestly. A wife chooses whether or not to submit to her husband. If she chooses not to then her household, her marriage, will suffer and both partners will have no peace. If she chooses to place her trust and faith in a man she has proclaimed to love above all others, then her household will be full of joy and peace. The power to bring joy to her life lay in her hands. This does mean that a woman needs to choose a man who is worthy of the honor of being called her husband.
On the other hand, a man is also left holding the bag when things go wrong. This doesn't just mean he chose the wrong repairman when the a/c broke. This means he is ultimately the one responsible for providing and protecting his family. Not in reality. He's not the only one paying bills maybe, or raising the kids. What it means is, in a household where the wife submits and shows her husband that trust, the children will see that. He will feel like everyone is looking to him for the answers. He will know that the final choice lay with him, and if the decision ends badly, he will feel like the blame is all his. That is a lot of pressure for someone to live with on a daily basis. It isn't all ruling the kingdom from the throne, and watching your lackeys dance for you. It can be very stressful for a man. Add to that stress the feeling of knowing your wife doesn't trust you to make the decisions for the family, and you have a man that isn't going to be happy. He's going to pull away, and now the wife isn't happy because he isn't involved.
Now the wife: A woman who is comfortable in her role as the submissive woman will realize that she is the true power in her home, and will use it wisely. She will see that submitting to her husband, proving that she truly trusts him to do what is best for their family, will make him feel better than a thousand romantic notes in his lunch or sexy nighties in your drawer. It puts into actions the words you spoke when you got married : I love you. A woman won't push so hard to assert her power that she knocks down her husband in the process. A woman who is truly strong, who truly knows the power of being a woman, will realize that supporting her husband will help him to seek her wisdom more and more often. She will find that her husband, if she has chosen a good man in the first place, will tend to follow her advice more often when she is submissive than not.
Go back to the pilot thing. Being the pilot who is in command in the cockpit is a privilege that all pilots seek. It is an honor. It speaks of the company's trust in your ability. However, you know that if the plane crashes, and you survive, you are going to be held responsible for every life on that plane. Not your co-pilot. Think about it. When that plane landed in the Hudson, how much press coverage did the co-pilot get? Exactly.
As the co-pilot, you aren't less important. In fact, if the pilot goes down for some reason, guess who is the most important person on the planet to those passengers? The pilot is relying on you, only you to be there here for him. Not the passengers. Not the flight attendants. In other words, he trusts only you to be there for him. And as you fly together more and more, he sees your trust in him more and more, the relationship between the two of you growing more and more, guess who he is going to start flying with more confidently every time? You will build a bond that is stronger than any other in that company. He will place you above all others. And you him.
Doesn't that sound like what we all want in our marriages? I don't think anyone gets married thinking "I can't wait to start fighting and mistrusting him. Treating him like he's too stupid to be in charge, and he makes me feel crazy and emotional and unwanted. Woo hoo!"
I'm not trying to preach here. I'm just trying to say that I'm going to hope my daughter doesn't grow up seeing me submit to my husband, and take that to mean that I'm not an equal in my relationship. I hope she sees that my husband takes my submission as the gift that it is and treasures it appropriately. I hope my sons see the way my husband takes his leadership role as seriously as any general commanding troops in the field whose lives are held in his hands. I hope they treasure their wives accordingly. It's obvious something isn't working right in the home today. Why not try this out? If you are already miserable together then what can this hurt? You thought about counseling and other things, why not this? If it doesn't work, then so what you're still miserable only now you get to say "I told you so".
And, P.S., I am in no way advocating abuse in any way. A man that uses his role as leader to abuse his family in any form is not a man. He is no better than the evil, small little dictators that had to rule their countries with iron fists because they could not inspire enough respect to rule with devotion. If you love your husband and trust him enough to marry him, try trusting him enough to take care of you, too. If you love your husband, and married him hoping to change his abusive ways? Get out. Get help.
Alright, I'm off the soap box. Someone else can use it now.
