Fear, Phobias, and Weenies

So, if you know me, you probably know that I'm the world's biggest coward.  Sure I avoid the standard horror movies, dark places, and the evening news.  (Have you seen it lately??  Move over Stephen King, here comes local news at 9!)  But I still can't sleep without a nightlight.  I refuse, absolutely refuse, to discuss anything remotely scary, distressing, or basically even real.  I live in this fantastical, fake bubble where everything is happy and sunshine.  Actually, I just realized that I've created a Disney movie for myself to live in.  Where are the happy animals helping me clean my house??

Sorry, got sidetracked.  When you strip away all my little fears of anything and everything, they all boil down to this one giant, inhuman, gripping, life-strangling fear:  I fear the unknown.  I want solid guarantees that my family will all be fine, no illness, nothing bad, no traumatic events.  I fear the future like you wouldn't believe.  I mean, I can leave my house.  From the outside I probably seem somewhat normal.  (If you knew me, you'd know why I can't claim total normality.)  But it's definitely ruling my life.  I score my whole routine based on avoiding any clouds that may try to infiltrate my bubble.  I know that about myself, and I'm trying to overcome it.  But here's the biggest thing, I don't want to pass this on to my kids.  Now you see my dilemma.

I don't want them to be like me.  I pray, every day, that they will not be like me.  I know I have some good qualities, but all in all, I'm pretty messed up.  I've just gotten really good at pretending.  Really, really good.  And mostly it's for my kids.  I guess I've decided that if I can pretend to be normal that maybe that's what I'll pass on to them instead of the real, cowardly me.  How twisted is that?  But better fake me being passed on than the real me.  I don't want them walking around in the middle of the night trying to calm themselves from an anxiety attack because they tried to plan for the future.

I hope I don't sound self-aggrandizing when I say that I think this is pretty amazing.  I mean, if you understood how deep my fears ran you'd get what it's like when my son starts asking questions about heaven, dying, and other things that make my palms sweat and my heart race.  It's not bragging.  I'm not amazing, my kids are.  They've made me strong enough to be who they need me to be despite my own debilitating fears.  They are such incredible little monsters.  The Bible tells us that God gives us what we need to overcome obstacles and live in His will.  Maybe that's why he gave me my babies.  Nothing else was motivation enough to get me out there, faking it til I made it.  

So I guess I'm hoping I'm not the only one out there doing this to her kids.  I'm hoping that somewhere else, some mother is pretending for her children in order to make their lives better, in the hope that she can stop the cycle.  It doesn't have to be my ridiculous, crazy phobias.  What about anger issues, regret?  Anyone have something they know is bad, working everyday to pretend it's not there so their kids don't get it, too?  Please don't let me add "only crazy person in the world" to my list of oh-so-enviable qualities.

Don't Fear the Jungle Gym

First - sorry for the major lag time. I've been in a funk. I think I'm coming out of it so there should be regular posts now.

Now onto my thoughts.

I was sitting in church yesterday listening to the pastor talk about letting fear rule our lives when I got a wonderful analogy in my head. (Yes, that means I wasn't paying attention. Sorry, Pastor Rick.) Only adults let fear rule their lives so completely. Case in point: watch kids playing at your local park on the jungle gym.

I remember my son, who was absolutely fearless when he was young, climb all over our jungle gym. At three, his favorite was to climb to the top of the monkey bars, and sit on them. I'm talking about directly on top, the highest point, just sit and hang out. He never once came over to me to ask about gravity if he fell, the risks vs. benefits, or anything else us grown ups would think about. He just decided he was going up there, and there he went. Of course, flash to me biting my nails underneath him, not yelling for fear of making him fall, waiting to make the trip to the hospital ER. But we never went. He never fell. And I'm convinced it was because it never occurred to him he might be in danger.

Here's where the motivational speaker usually ramps you up by telling you to think like that. Just decide and do - no fear. Yeah, right. Unfortunately, as adults we are fully aware of the risks of the decisions we make everyday. That's the difference between my son and myself. He was blissfully ignorant of the pain that awaited him just two inches in either direction. But I am fully aware, and so I sit on the end of the slide, in the safe zone, watching others make the climb.

I don't think the lesson to be learned from these kids is "no fear" or "decide and do". No, I believe the lesson is for us to not pass on our fears. Do our best to keep our children so fearless they never think twice about inventing electric cars or saving the rain forests in Argentina. And to keep from teaching them our fears, we are going to have to live by favorite motto: Fake it til you make it.

Let's put this into perspective: my son at three years old was probably about 3 1/2 feet tall. The bar across the top of the monkey bars was at least 12 feet high. That's almost four of him. But he never stopped to do the math. Because he didn't look at his goal from the bottom up, never realizing how high it was before he climbed. He looked straight ahead at what he had to do next, and then (TA DA!), he was there looking down at where he'd come from. And at that point, he was where he wanted to be so who cares how far he might have fallen. The point was he didn't.

So to all those parents out there who are living in a state of constant fear, like myself, hear this: get up, look to the next task to be done not up or around you, do that task, and repeat. Before you know it, you'll have passed your first goal, and you will have shown your kids no fear. Of course, you know how bad it will be if you fail, but why bring that up? Is discussing it going to prevent it? Does it help calm you? NO!! It only causes you to stand underneath those monkey bars looking up, sweating because you're too terrified now to take that first step.

I am going to try this in my house. Please look out for me. I'll be the mom shaking and sweating on my way to the top of the jungle gym. And smiling for my son the whole time!